Parenting With Joy: Keeping A Calm Presence
Underpinning my life with children is a philosophy based around the work of Rudolf Steiner, also known as Waldorf. I love the 'stuff' of Waldorf, the handicrafts, the use of natural materials, the value placed on getting outside and experiencing all the facets of our natural world, the value of imagination, the singing, the importance of rhythm, the emphasis on creative play, movement games and fingerplays resonates with me. But it is the life-time journey of inner work that is encouraged that really pulls me to Waldorf in this season of my life.
My journey for some time has been in the realm of Inner Work or self development. This is a life-time journey for us all. For now, it is quite significant in my life and parenting. That is why you will find so many posts on Parenting here! The most important goal in my parenting is to parent with joy and patience. To bring joy to my days with my children I need to take time to nourish my soul and self-care.
Parenting can be challenging. For me, it has been. I have learnt over the past three years that how we view and respond in parenting begins with us. Post-natal depression takes you to a very dark place, it was like someone had taken all the colour out of the world. It is not a great place to be viewing the world from. But through growth and striving to improve and taking the time for self-care and nourishing my soul, the colour is returning to my days.
Looking at one of my triggers (and you might identify with this) I discovered that anxiety plays a huge part in how I am travelling each day. I never saw myself as an anxious person, but it sure has manifested itself now I am a mother of four! The greatest gift you can give your child is to do your inner work! Steiner viewed young children and their parents as interconnected. This strong connection means that children will express through their behaviours a mirror of yours.
I can see my anxiety in my children's behaviours. In my teen it is a hesitancy to 'put himself out there'. In Chook I believe it is why he is rambunctious. In Strawberry I see it in her need for comfort and in Ooffa his clingyness.
To parent with joy I need to address this anxiety. One of the first things I worked on was creating a rhythm for our family (click on weekly rhythm/routine to look at some of ours). I am comfortable with where we are now with our daily and weekly rhythm.
In my inner work at the moment I am working on keeping a calm presence in my parenting. But, how to be calm in THAT moment! You know the moment, when all hell breaks loose, when you've got two to console (or three!), the whinging, the grizzling, the tantrum, the sound of something breaking...
Lately I have been blocking it all out. Yep, I tune out to everything. I focus on my breathe and then I assess the situation from a distance. I ask myself three questions:
- Is there a 'real' need here for my child? Food, water, sleep, nappy change, movement, sickness.
- How am I feeling? How am I coping with getting things done?
- What is the best way to address this situation?
I came across this great post from Awesomely Awake on things you can do to encourage being a calm parent. There are some really good ideas to try in the list.
How do maintain a calm approach in your parenting? I'd love to hear your tips!
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Such a wonderful and reflective post. And it is so good to have a reminder to be more purposeful and try for more serenity in parenting. Some days I find this easier than others!
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree! Some days I can be so patient and other days I find simple things very trying :)
DeleteGreat post! Breathing, changing the subject, walking away....I have even been known to count from 100 backwards out loud in front of 3 kids demanding my attention.....it is funny when they stop and look at me wondering what I am doing. :) My kids also have a calm down box that they filled with things to distract them and use to help them calm down. Such as my 6 year old loves to write and draw.
ReplyDeleteGorgeous photos and I love them super-sized...:)
Great tips Janice! I am doing the 1...2...3 with Chook at the moment and it's working :)
DeleteI really loved this post. Like you I'm always reflecting on myself and trying to self-develop.
ReplyDeleteI hate hearing my 3 year old daughter say, "I'm stressed", because I know she hears and repeats what I say to myself. I've lived with my stress and anxiety all my life, but I don't like that I see it in my daughter.
Like you, I've been working really hard to identify the triggers that make me feel stressed and anxious- so I can avoid those feelings. For me, it has been trying not to plan too much for one day so I don't feel like I'm working against the clock.
Jackie, I can relate to feeling under the pump when too much is planned in a day :) I hate it when Chook asks "Are you happy now Mummy?" I wish he saw me happy more often.
DeleteI can see the thought and love you've put into the post, it is such a hard thing to put into words, and any aspect of parenting is difficult to write about. Do I maintain a calm approach to parenting? Most of the time, yes. But I am only human and I definitely lose it sometimes. Recently I was stood outside the child care centre after a long day at work, and Pebble was refusing to get into the car seat. I just closed the car door (with her safe inside) and took a moment to myself to just breathe and think and try very hard not to cry or scream! On other days the very same behaviour wouldn't bother me at all, and I'd think of a fun game to get her into her seat quick smart.
ReplyDeleteI can relate :) I went to listen to a parenting speaker yesterday and he said as long as we are maintaining our cool 70-80% of the time, our kids will be okay! Nice to hear.
DeleteI think sometimes its just a few deep breaths! I find that pushing the air out when you breath out is good as it helps to feed your brain and just seems to calm me down. (Kind of like how we breath in pilates). You're doing a great job Amie and your reflections help you to become and even better and more aware mother. Well done :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Deb :)
DeleteThis is a great post, I could do to heed your the step check more often. I love you to consider linking this to the Sunday parenting party so our readers can share your insight
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'd love to link up to this great parenting linky you guys have got going :)
Deletethanks for linking, now i get to pin it too - yey!
DeleteI never thought of my self as anxious until I became a mother and now when I feel overwhelmed and anxious I definitely notice how it affects the way I parent. Sometimes though its difficult to act consciously in that moment and you do need to just take a deep breath and remove yourself or tune out so you can regain focus and think rationally.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. It's great you are doing inner work, taking time for yourself is so important in keeping calm and in control :-)
Hi Renee! Yes, I need to remember to catch myself more often. I am thinking of working on my response to my children when its one thing after another, after another...another post brewing, I'd say :)
DeleteAmie...thanks so much for writing this post...i really needed to read it. My self care is zero at the moment and i know this is impacting on how i am feeling about myself as a parent and our day to day rhythm.
ReplyDeleteI cringe when i hear the twins repeat phrases in a grumpy voice or yell at others...miss teen expresses this in ways too. I won't go into detail here but i did want you to know that your post has really helped my mindset today...and i am so glad you are making such wonderful steps xx
I can so relate to this post... so much of improving my kids behavior actually comes from improving mine and working on my own issues.
ReplyDelete(ps love the lovely big images!)
What a beautiful and honest post, patience is I believe to be in my top 3 things I have learnt as a parent. Off to share this now x
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your inner thoughts and your parenting process! It's not all peaches and cream, all cupcakes and rainbows! I've had serious issues, too, more to do with having a child with Down syndrome, issues like depression and anger, but by being 100% honest with myself, and then others, I was able to overcome this dark time in my mommyhood. Again, thank you.
ReplyDeleteAmie this was such a beautifully reflective post. This is a constant work in progress for me as well. I over think things constantly, and am a worrier. As you wrote, this is always reflected in my son's behaviour. There are really only two reasons his behaviour becomes unbalanced - he's either sick, or I'm not looking after myself and letting myself get stressed. Once I sort myself out, he in turn becomes balanced as well. I'm featuring this on my blog tonight as one of my faves from last week's Sunday Parenting Party. Thanks for linking up.
ReplyDeleteI know it has been said many times before now but: Thank you Aimie for this beautiful post! I really enjoyed reading it and love your honesty. You are a wonderful mother!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I find that concentrating on my breathing and stopping what I'm doing to focus on my children in a stressful moment helps me calm down. I am not the most patient of parents, so I need to be very conscious of my reaction. My kids have also reflected some of my tone when interacting with each other, which is very confronting! I know that I parent better when I take time to look after myself - which is something I'm still working on :)
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